Dreams

The first one happened a few weeks after.  It was so real.  It was so real I woke up nervous and anxious and sending texts to the involved to go to a dermatologist....

My mother, my aunt and I were sitting on the edge of my aunt's bed.  Someone was sitting on the floor infront of her dresser.  We were all sad.  But it was because Kenda had been diagnosed with cancer.  And in the way of dreams being like movies there was a scene somewhere that Kenda died in the hospital in very similar circumstance to her mom.

But as this news was being relayed I kept saying, No, no something isn't right!  This isn't right!

And my aunt turned to me and gave me a hug.  And it was so real I woke up in a panic.  My heart was racing.  It was so real.  I still remember it.  It was so real.

I want more than anything for there to be some symbolism.  Some truth.  Some otherworldy visit and magic and I want that to be her telling me she is okay.  I need to believe I can still see her.  I need this.

...................

The other was Tuesday night.  We were all sitting on the couch in her living room.  We were all together.  My kids weren't in my line of vision but I feel they were in the basement.  The overwhelming feeling was we were all together.

And someone said (maybe me?  maybe her?  maybe my mom?) I love when were all together.

And my aunt turned to me and someone said (maybe me? maybe her?) I miss you all so much.  And she gave me another hug.

....................

The grief comes in waves.  I'm okay all the time.  But then sometimes it'll just pour over me and I swallow it down.  Usually at night, after my kids are asleep, I dwell a little more.

How could this be?  How could this have happened?

It's just not fair.

And there's really nothing more to do than that.  I'll change the channel, play a game or just go to bed.

......................

Someone once said to me, I think a co-worker at work, after my grandfather died that I would see him in my dreams.  I never did.  I always - and still do - think of him when I see beautiful flowers, or hear beautiful music, or someone plants a vegetable garden.  But I never saw him in my dreams.

That comment has come back to me now that I have dreamed of my Aunt.

I don't think anyone can ever really understand what I've lost.  It's not a necessarily normal relationship that we had with my Aunt.  It's not that my immediate family wasn't home ... it's that we didn't have one.  I can't explain it in words that don't just simplify the whole business.

I miss her.  Every day.

Our trip is coming up next week.  The trip she was supposed to be on.

My mom was supposed to go too, and had her flights all booked.  But mom had to have emergency surgery Tuesday on her eye and now she can't go anywhere for two months, pending approval even then.

I am hoping that maybe after the trip, which I'm so looking forward to, I can really put my best foot forward on this grieving process thing.  I'm hoping that after I get over this hurdle, maybe the hurdle of her birthday, of Fiesta, of Thanksgiving ... maybe it'll be like ripping off a bandaid?  I don't know.

It's a year of firsts that I never in a million years wanted.

I miss her.  Every day.