Guilt and Perspective

With my first born I have different expectations.  I have different perspective.  I expect different things.  When he was 4 we were doing food therapy.  We were stable and working on moving forward.  So it wasn't typical.  I mean he was typical.  But the stresses with him were not typical.

My second born.  He causes me very little emotional turmoil.  Worry for him is exceptionally typical; behavior, skills, development.

I have no fear that at his next appointment he'll be diagnosed failure to thrive.

Our big "ordeal" right now is his sleep is ridiculously bad.  Ever since school started he just isn't sleeping.  He stays in his bed awake for hours.  He gets out of his bed.  He gets in his brother's bed.  He gets toys and build legos.  He gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom.  Last night, he opened and spilled an entire jar of lotion.  It was 10pm.

I about lost my mind.  We changed pajamas, I turned off the night light, I lowered the a/c.  He fell asleep quickly.

I'll let you believe I did all that calmly and without frustration.

This morning I moved the room around and set up the bunk beds.  I've wanted to for awhile anyway and I'm hoping if G is less accessible or literally right on top of him he'll be able to settle.  Rationally I understand that he's missing his brother.  That he wants more time with his best friend.  That nothing but time will make this transition better.

Irrationally it feels like massive disobedience and that is just not tolerated.

And while we've had a pleasant morning working together to get his room all "new" I still have that irrational frustration with him.  So after all the work is done and morning snack is had and we're watching Disney Jr before lunch I stumble upon a friends blog.  Her son, who is D's age, has a congenital heart defect and a mechanical valve.

And he wants to play soccer.

And he can't.

And my heart broke into a thousand pieces for how mean I've been to my healthy boy who is typical. Who is exceptional in his typical-ness.  Sometimes I think God hits you over the head with the reality of your blessings so you can stop being so ridiculous in your wants.  Or at least so you realize - my wants are the epitome of greed.

I want a great sleeper on top of an extremely healthy, vibrant, smart son?  I more than likely really need a reality check.

And with my first born I have that I'm just glad he's ... thought process.  And his spot in my brain just uses different gears.  D is my cuddley bull dozer.  So tactile and affectionate and stoic in very many ways.  He causes me very little worry.  Except that he's going to tackle too many friends at school or kiss his teacher.

And his emotions are hard for him to process.  So if he is missing his brother ...

The other night I asked him (at like 9pm) why are you getting up so much?  D: I don't know.  M: Why do you want to sleep in G's bed?  D: because G is the warmest.

His need to be near his brother is one of his best qualities.  I do think he misses him and feels unstable and I'm not sure how to manage it.  I feel he will do better once he starts school next week.  And the routine will become more normal.

But the whole thing is ridiculous and stupid and a nonissue.  I know that.  But today it hit me in the face again how magical it is to have a supremely healthy kid; who's biggest issues are colds, normal infections, and there never being enough water melon in the house.