There is a lot of truth in this right there. I feel that for the last year I was in a survival mode haze. Fewer meals cooked, more microwave dinners, more junk, lots of television, less projects, less intentional parenting. Just survive. Keep everyone alive. Keep some modicum of order.
Stay sane.
In the last few months (mostly since I stopped nursing - so hormone levels probably play a part as well) I feel kind of like the sun is starting to glimmer. We're not entirely home. But it's getting better. I still run out of time between 4-6. How do those hours go faster than any other time of day? How is it that everyone needs something right as I'm scrambling to get dinner on? I dunno. Law of motherhood I guess.
I am excited about summer. I am so glad this school year will be over. I can not believe I [almost] have a first grader. He is so far from the kid he was when he started. I look at the difference between him and D now and it seems stark. Just so apparent. But he's only 2 years away from this same experience? How is that possible?
With my first - my intrepid guinea pig - all of these milestones are met with some mixture of trepidation, inquiry, nerves, and okay-how-do-I-do-this? But with D ... I just get to feel nostalgia and awe that he's growing so fast. I know how to navigate prek-3. I know what skills he needs to master and I am not scared in the slightest bit that he can do it. It makes it entirely different. And it makes me feel bad that poor G has to deal with his crazy mom not knowing what the heck she's doing so much of the time. Do I call the teacher? Do I intervene? Do I ask? Am I that mom? Is there a way to avoid being that mom? Is "that mom" really a bad title? Is he scarred for life if I miss the field trip? Will he remember that I wasn't there at the celebration of learning? Will he remember if I was there so does any of this even matter? Should he be in more sports? Less sports? More camps? Less camps? Should I schedule more playdates? Should I let him use my phone to call friends? HOW IS ANY OF THIS DONE THESE DAYS?
Which has led me to this summer. One - I have three kids and two are camp age. Can you say pricey? G did 6 science camps last year. Part was preparation for school. He'd never been to school every single day of the week, so I wanted him to have that under his belt so that I could say "you're going to go every day of the week just like at camp." And I do think that helped prep him.
But I can not do 6 camps for both boys. We'd starve.
So the boys are doing 3 camps. And I've only signed them up for one, as of yet, so maybe I even change my mind.
I want freedom. I want lazy. I want time at home and time at museums and the pool and time to travel with their Dad if we want to. I want to be able to drop everything and drive to my moms if I feel like it. Just like I did when we were in prek. I want to be able to work on school skills in a fun environment. I want to get tadpoles and watch them grow. I want to get baseball gloves and teach the boys catch. I want ice cream walks and rainy days watching movies and spraying each other with the hose.
I want less structure.
I keep getting invited to send my boys to different camps. 'My son is doing this one I know he'd love a friend there!' Well meaning nice mom friends. It's lovely to be included. But I'm so tired of engineering my entire kids calendar. I refuse to do it. I send him to the camps because he asks to go and he loves them. LOVES THEM. And they encourage his love of science. I send his brother because they are a set and nothing makes D happier than being included.
I do not send my kids to camp so I can get grocery shopping in. Or get a hair cut or go out by myself or with just one kid (which pretty much is like being alone at this stage - one kid is so easy people).
I do not do these things for babysitting. I have that luxury because I stay home. But - kicker - so do all these other moms. I really don't get it. I love it best when we stay home. I know my house is huge and my kids are awesome at independent play so it's really awesome being home because they just disappear. They build legos or dig outside or build race tracks or train tracks or set up army guys or empty the entire box of puzzle pieces onto the floor. Or all of the above. It's not clean or neat. But it's independent. When I call them for meals they say "awwww moooooooom! I'm not done!"
I am curious how G will take being home all the time though. Will he get bored? This will be new territory.
But I am so glad he's done so well. I'm so glad school is almost over. I can not wait for this summer with my kids.
I have a list of things I want to do....
Perot Museum - LOTS
SeaWorld - hoping Lew lets us go bc they've changed their Orca policy - but G knows it exists and wants to see a real life Killer Whale so bad and I don't see Alaska in our future this year.
San Antonio Bats!!
Houston - a trip with Lew and Houston Space Center, maybe the zoo.
Galveston - D wants to go to the beach for his birthday. :)
Pool Pool Pool
Splash Pad for sweet sister
Grandma's House
Lots of movies and popcorn
Friends
I can't wait.
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