35

On this ... my thirty-fifth birthday.  I am just not even sure.  What does one say?

I have all the stereotypical female feelings about this particular birthday.

I am not sure what an 18yo me would have expected from a 35yo me.  I know I had goals and I've met most of them.  But I'm not like so many in my peer group; I didn't have huge goals.  Maybe that's sad.  Maybe it isn't.  I think it's ubiquitous; it simply is.

For me my goal was to have babies.  And with things being what they are I wanted my babies to be born of my body before I turned 35.  Done.  Now comes the business of raising them.  And I have 12 more years until one flies the nest.  My stomach just dropped.  How can it only be 12.

It is wrong to put all of my eggs in one basket but I feel a bit like Peter Pan ... I found my happy thought.  And it's them.

I do routinely need breaks and no one can push your buttons more than a 6yo who is finding his voice or a 3yo who thinks he's 5 but still can't put words to all his big feelings.  Or a baby who is opinionated and so unbelievably stubborn.  They were sent to test me.

But when they are away from me I look at their faces.  When they are sleeping I plan out activities and things for when they are awake.  I fold their tiny clothes and plan their birthdays and it makes me happy.  My dreams for them are bigger than anything I could ever dream for myself.  I need nor want for nothing ... so long as my children are okay.

Does that sound ridiculous?  Because it's a fundamental truth for me.  It's just me.  I am happiest with my babies.  Sometimes when they are sleeping I'm happier still but ... truly I am happiest with their increasingly louder voices chittering around me.  Their feet pounding the floor as they run senselessly around the couch.

Thirty five starts a new chapter, really.  The childrearing instead of the childbearing.  The life living instead of life giving.  I'm excited to have my body back.  To belong to myself at least physically.

I have done what I wanted, when I wanted.   It has made for a good life.