On Having a Girl - A Ramble
And honestly there is a tiny bit of truth in that. It was a big part of the decision to go to three. What if #3 was our daughter? What would we be missing out on - both of us, not just me - if we didn't have her? What would the boys be missing out on?
But for us - and myself - we had always said three kids. With the caveat that we reserve the right to change our minds if we have heathens. But after D hit the 15mo mark and he just kind of matured it became clear that yes, we definitely could handle one more. Let's go for it.
When I told folks I was pregnant - like announced on Facebook, go read the comments - some of the comments made me a little sad. They were all complimentary and everyone means well. But we've become such a society of two kids that going to three kids is just seen as excessive at best or worse ... crazy.
Family members would say, "I hope for your sake it's a girl."
Maybe it was just the way FB presents them ... a barrage of these types of comments all at once, not spread out amongst meeting people organically. But it started to feel like people thought my boys weren't good enough for me. Or something. Which I know - KNOW - is not their intention.
And this isn't to say I wasn't harboring hopes and prayers. In my pregnancy notebook (when you TTC 3 times and you actually have to try, yes you keep a notebook) I wrote carefully worded prayers; please God a healthy baby to spend 100yrs on this earth. A little girl for my boys to learn balance..." things like that.
I had guilt about praying for a specific sex. I didn't want any future 3rd son to think he was any less wanted. Because I love my boys. They are the best and I feel so very, very blessed to have two boys. the old sayings from old generations make me smile; an heir and a spare. Boys are highest blessings. My old Henry VIII obsession would come to mind ... all the kings in all of time that begged for boys and I have two!
Which is silliness. I know this. But I feel very lucky to have the boys. They are awesome. And they like cool stuff.
But ... then there's this ... a son is a son until he takes a wife. a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.
And that - not the bows, not the dresses, not the dolls - none of that artificial girl crap - is what moved my prayers.
When we went to our 12w sonogram screening I was nervous. The MFM specialist has a reputation for getting "guesses" at this stage right. Lewis was convinced this pregnant was different and therefore a girl. My early months with the boys were easy (in hindsight). This one I was miserable. Lying on the floor most of the day with the boys running cars around my immobile body. That's only a slight exaggeration. Because for about a week that's what we did.
But I had no sense of it, this baby. No dreams. No idea. When I was vomiting I'd think, it could be a girl. When I wasn't I'd think, it could be a boy. I had no clue.
On the table while he's showing me bits and pieces of my new baby, he says "and I can tell you with about 80-90% certainty ..." A pause. I'm looking at the screen and I don't see anything. With D I was pretty sure he was a boy. This one ... I just wait ... "Yeah, 90% this is a girl."
And I said, tearfully, "really?" And I started crying. The nurse and the doctor are both kind of quizzical. The nurse says, "What do you have at home?" Eyeing my chart. "Two boys." She smiles.
The doctor gets a bit nervous and goes back to recheck. It was kind of funny. He didn't like the pressure all of a sudden. I told him I wouldn't hold him to it. The fact that he even said girl meant it was in fact possible, this time.
And that was the only time I got emotional about having a girl this pregnancy. Until she was born I was not 100% she was a she. I kept buying girl things and thinking, It's probably a boy. Or something equally ironic. Even after two more sonograms with two different stenographers who both said, 100% girl.
Getting too excited about her felt something like a betrayal to the boys. And just because she's a girl doesn't mean we're going to get along. This is something that my other friends, also mother's of daughters, seem to be missing. There is no promise she's going to like what you like. She's her own person. This whole notion of a "mini me" is not what I signed up for. She may not want to get manicures (in my case I hope she doesn't, because that's not my thing). She may not like Tori (okay that one might hurt me). She may not - GASP - like Harry Potter or Anne of Green Gables. (Okay I know that's just not possible, those things are awesome). And if looks are any indicator ... this chickee is a mini-Lewis. Not a mini-Stacy. Which is marvelous.
When she came out a girl I cried again. Because there was the answered prayer. But if she had come out a he, and I was raising three boys ... that would have been a unique and amazing experience too. One I would have been just as blessed to experience.
I guess that's the whole thing ... I'm not more blessed because she's a girl. That would mean that those that have three of the same are less blessed, or that they somehow didn't pray right or something. Which is just ridiculous. We have friends that have three girls. They are incredibly blessed. I have friends that are having three boys. They are blessed too.
And when people found out D was a boy they weren't as excited as they all were when we were told J was a girl. Telling people I had one of each would have made the masses happier. All very Tea for Two. And the world would have expected me to be "done" had D been a girl. He is a great addition and it is the best having two boys. Brothers. Their interactions are unique and that relationship will - hopefully - be forever. And I have two folks that might like Star Wars, that already love comic books and super heroes, and think jets and science and rockets are awesome. Here's hoping some of that rubs off on J so that it's not all princesses all the time.
But all children are a blessing. It's a blessing to be pregnant. And all of these miraculous miracles regardless of their sibling situations are going to do amazing things. I know it.
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