The Third
No, this isn't an announcement. It's more like one of those ranting blog posts where people lament the crazy things other people say.
And they aren't crazy. People are just people. They use their own experiences to frame the things they say to other people and, of course, those experiences don't always line up. Everyone hasn't had two miscarriages. Everyone didn't have a scary first trimester with their fourth pregnancy. Everyone didn't try for 18mo to have a baby. So obviously, if you haven't experienced those things, you won't frame your responses to life in the same way that I would.
And myself. I've never done IVF. I've never had twins. I didn't try for the better part of a decade to have children and finally have a miracle baby closer to my 40s than 20s. So the things that I say, to those people, sound insensitive at times. Because my frame of reference isn't the same as theirs. I can try to be empathetic but my first thoughts aren't always of those things, they are of my own things, which is what happens with ALL PEOPLE, which is why some people just don't say the right things.
And I want it noted … I don't hold it against you. And I don't think anyone else should either. Anyone - ANYONE - that is saying anything, and trying to be a friend, shouldn't then be sent a blog of "ten things you don't say to an infertile person" or "ten things you don't say to a pregnant woman" or "ten things you don't say to a mom of a child with special needs". Blah blah blah. Just saying something is a big deal. Nodding and remaining silent is worse. Trust.
Talking is important. Being there is important. Being rude is one thing … but just trying to be a friend and saying the wrong thing? Which, in my opinion, is what most people are trying to do - be a friend, is great. And the people that write those blogs are too sensitive and need to be stopped.
That being said …
It sits a bit heavy that everyone assumes that because I have two boys and am talking about a third that I'm "trying for a girl." I'd love a girl. I would. But ...
I'd love a boy. I know everything there is to know about boys 4 and under. Boys are what I know. I love my boys. They are the coolest. They are awesome to be around and we have so much fun. I can build legos and change a diaper without getting peed on (at the same time). I can have the conversation about how it's okay to think about, touch, scratch, pull on, whatever, parts of our body … but lets not do that in public. Only at home. In our house. Preferably in the bathroom. Or, my new favorite, go talk to your dad about that.
I love Buzz Lightyear and Star Wars and Spiderman and know all of the super heros in Marvels universe. And I knew them before I had kids. And loved them before I had kids. Batman is my jam but I love me some RBJ and Ironman. And Thor. And all the Avengers and Superman is an American icon and I could write a whole post about which one I like better but it would sound like a Big Bang Theory skit and you'd all know how truly nerdy I am. I'm a Harry Potter reading, comic book worshiping, Star Wars was so much better before the prequels, mom. I was a lego girl myself so raising lego boys is like … awesome. And the sets have just gotten soooooo much cooler.
So the people that ask, "would you be disappointed with a boy?" Nope. There will be things in my life that will be so different if I have a girl versus if I have a boy. And I'll have to accept that and be grateful for the warriors in my life. Have you seen my boys interact? Brothers are the best. I'm actually quite grateful that my second was a boy. I prayed for a brother for G. The whole idea of "one of each" wasn't something I ever wanted. I always wanted three.
There are probably multiple reasons for that but the easiest one that comes to my mind is … it's what I know. Two girls, one boy. Three kids. Seemed like a good enough for way me to grow up.
Anyway so what gets me is this idea that I'm "trying for a girl" and that if I had had a girl second, I might be done now. I don't know, because I can't assume what I would do had that been the case, but I just don't think it's true.
And at the end of the day … healthy baby. I'm not a peaceful pregnant person and the only thing I keep thinking, pretty much 24/7 while pregnant is, please, please … please let the baby be healthy.
And honestly … if I had a girl … I don't think I'd do bows. I don't think I'd buy a bunch of pink toys because I already have all the good toys in primary colors and I sort of hate pink. Toys. Hate pink toys. Pink clothes … okay some of that stuff is really sweet.
But also honestly … what gets me when I start thinking about not having a girl … are the girl books. Olivia. Pinkalicious. Babysitters Club. Nancy Drew. While I could read those to my boys, the interest is not there. Is there a train version of Olivia? Babysitters club? No. You know what has a train? Boxcar Children. That will be a hit. And I loved that book too. But there are teeny things that I'm interested in that my boys, at least at present, show no aptitude for. Animals are okay. Cars and trains are better. Princesses are cool (especially if they have powers) but pirates are better. Dress up? No. Even dress up as a viking. No. Hats are okay. Costumes? No.
So truly I'll miss the books and the dress up clothes. But other than that? I could live without the angst-y girls. And the boy drama. And the gossiping and the mean girl crap. The body image issues and the "mom why can't you braid right!" silliness. Truly any girl of mine will be a lego, superhero, Barbies-are-kind-of-lame girl anyway.
But see … when you say things like that? When you pretend that you control who your kids will be? That's when it all blows up in your face. And I know that. I didn't make G love trains any more than my mom made me drama filled and obsessed with The Last Unicorn. At the end of the day our kids are who they are and we are given the blessed task of sheparding them through life and giving them the tools to make good decisions.
But this super long, rambling post is not what you say back to a person who says, "are you hoping for a girl?" What you say back, to a kind person who's just interested because they care about your family, is "I am hoping for any healthy child, and will be grateful."
Because that's the God's honest truth.
And they aren't crazy. People are just people. They use their own experiences to frame the things they say to other people and, of course, those experiences don't always line up. Everyone hasn't had two miscarriages. Everyone didn't have a scary first trimester with their fourth pregnancy. Everyone didn't try for 18mo to have a baby. So obviously, if you haven't experienced those things, you won't frame your responses to life in the same way that I would.
And myself. I've never done IVF. I've never had twins. I didn't try for the better part of a decade to have children and finally have a miracle baby closer to my 40s than 20s. So the things that I say, to those people, sound insensitive at times. Because my frame of reference isn't the same as theirs. I can try to be empathetic but my first thoughts aren't always of those things, they are of my own things, which is what happens with ALL PEOPLE, which is why some people just don't say the right things.
And I want it noted … I don't hold it against you. And I don't think anyone else should either. Anyone - ANYONE - that is saying anything, and trying to be a friend, shouldn't then be sent a blog of "ten things you don't say to an infertile person" or "ten things you don't say to a pregnant woman" or "ten things you don't say to a mom of a child with special needs". Blah blah blah. Just saying something is a big deal. Nodding and remaining silent is worse. Trust.
Talking is important. Being there is important. Being rude is one thing … but just trying to be a friend and saying the wrong thing? Which, in my opinion, is what most people are trying to do - be a friend, is great. And the people that write those blogs are too sensitive and need to be stopped.
That being said …
It sits a bit heavy that everyone assumes that because I have two boys and am talking about a third that I'm "trying for a girl." I'd love a girl. I would. But ...
I'd love a boy. I know everything there is to know about boys 4 and under. Boys are what I know. I love my boys. They are the coolest. They are awesome to be around and we have so much fun. I can build legos and change a diaper without getting peed on (at the same time). I can have the conversation about how it's okay to think about, touch, scratch, pull on, whatever, parts of our body … but lets not do that in public. Only at home. In our house. Preferably in the bathroom. Or, my new favorite, go talk to your dad about that.
I love Buzz Lightyear and Star Wars and Spiderman and know all of the super heros in Marvels universe. And I knew them before I had kids. And loved them before I had kids. Batman is my jam but I love me some RBJ and Ironman. And Thor. And all the Avengers and Superman is an American icon and I could write a whole post about which one I like better but it would sound like a Big Bang Theory skit and you'd all know how truly nerdy I am. I'm a Harry Potter reading, comic book worshiping, Star Wars was so much better before the prequels, mom. I was a lego girl myself so raising lego boys is like … awesome. And the sets have just gotten soooooo much cooler.
So the people that ask, "would you be disappointed with a boy?" Nope. There will be things in my life that will be so different if I have a girl versus if I have a boy. And I'll have to accept that and be grateful for the warriors in my life. Have you seen my boys interact? Brothers are the best. I'm actually quite grateful that my second was a boy. I prayed for a brother for G. The whole idea of "one of each" wasn't something I ever wanted. I always wanted three.
There are probably multiple reasons for that but the easiest one that comes to my mind is … it's what I know. Two girls, one boy. Three kids. Seemed like a good enough for way me to grow up.
Anyway so what gets me is this idea that I'm "trying for a girl" and that if I had had a girl second, I might be done now. I don't know, because I can't assume what I would do had that been the case, but I just don't think it's true.
And at the end of the day … healthy baby. I'm not a peaceful pregnant person and the only thing I keep thinking, pretty much 24/7 while pregnant is, please, please … please let the baby be healthy.
And honestly … if I had a girl … I don't think I'd do bows. I don't think I'd buy a bunch of pink toys because I already have all the good toys in primary colors and I sort of hate pink. Toys. Hate pink toys. Pink clothes … okay some of that stuff is really sweet.
But also honestly … what gets me when I start thinking about not having a girl … are the girl books. Olivia. Pinkalicious. Babysitters Club. Nancy Drew. While I could read those to my boys, the interest is not there. Is there a train version of Olivia? Babysitters club? No. You know what has a train? Boxcar Children. That will be a hit. And I loved that book too. But there are teeny things that I'm interested in that my boys, at least at present, show no aptitude for. Animals are okay. Cars and trains are better. Princesses are cool (especially if they have powers) but pirates are better. Dress up? No. Even dress up as a viking. No. Hats are okay. Costumes? No.
So truly I'll miss the books and the dress up clothes. But other than that? I could live without the angst-y girls. And the boy drama. And the gossiping and the mean girl crap. The body image issues and the "mom why can't you braid right!" silliness. Truly any girl of mine will be a lego, superhero, Barbies-are-kind-of-lame girl anyway.
But see … when you say things like that? When you pretend that you control who your kids will be? That's when it all blows up in your face. And I know that. I didn't make G love trains any more than my mom made me drama filled and obsessed with The Last Unicorn. At the end of the day our kids are who they are and we are given the blessed task of sheparding them through life and giving them the tools to make good decisions.
But this super long, rambling post is not what you say back to a person who says, "are you hoping for a girl?" What you say back, to a kind person who's just interested because they care about your family, is "I am hoping for any healthy child, and will be grateful."
Because that's the God's honest truth.
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