Things I'm Forgetting
A dear, dear friend had a miscarriage yesterday. She was actually the friend who knew about mine, as it was happening, so it's just awful that she's having to go through it herself. I wish I could take that part of fertility away from all women every where. It's a horrible cruelty to get a positive result, begin to mentally prepare for a new life, then have it all torn away. I hate it. It's a natural process and God's will but it's just exhausting and heart breaking.
And another friend, newly pregnant herself, was worried about her levels but then decided she'd stop worrying and forget about it. I can't and could never do that. And I was wondering, why did I worry so much with Chalupa? I worried from positive result right up until his birth. I was leaning forward trying to see him, gasping after that final push and asking if he was okay. I couldn't hear him ... was he okay?
Then he screamed, gurgled really, and then screamed a blood curling, heart reassuring scream. Ten fingers ten toes. Perfect vitals. Healthy as a horse. It was the first time I really breathed in 9 months.
After my miscarriage I got pregnant right away (obviously). I knew right away. We were on vacation in Colorado and I just knew. I got home and tested and yup. Positive.
I called the doctor. I went in the next day. Blood tests, lots of them. Five vials of blood.
That was a Friday? She had said the results would take 3-4 days. Thursday they called me. The first thing she asked was if I was doing okay. Was there any spotting? I knew then. I shakily said no.
I'm sorry. You're blood work is indicating it's not a viable pregnancy.
I was cooking dinner. G was in his chair. I was crying and wanted off the phone. I didn't ask any questions. I would think of a million in the five minutes after I hung up with the doctor. Things that if I had asked, and had discussed might have calmed me down.
I called Lewis, who was out at a customer fucntion. He couldn't leave just yet. I called my mom. Somewhere in those fifteen minutes I decided the doctor was wrong. I remember thinking quite clearly, she was wrong. There is no way I have to go through this twice in 45 days. No way. That is not God's will. I just knew in my bones she was wrong.
Not that that calmed me down any.
Since I hadn't miscarried yet, she had me come back in for blood work the next day. Another Friday. I went into the office morose. I didn't talk to anyone. The nurses, who didn't have me or my chart memorized, didn't understand. I had to cancel, again, my sonogram appointment.
Which, I just said, "I need to cancel my appointments for next week." And the receptionist, a very, very nice woman, kept asking, "what were these appointments for?" I started crying, again, and shook my head, "just cancel all my appointments." She pulls up my name and said, out loud, to a full waiting room, "looks like you had a sonogram and your 12w appointment? You sure you need to cancel?" Full on crying now. "Yes." The reality finally hits her. And then I turned and left.
I had that same conversation with her on the phone the first time. I wish she would have learned. That was pretty traumatic in itself.
I had to wait till Monday for my results. But Monday I called and they didn't have them. Tuesday I called again. The doctor would call me. I started sobbing on the phone. The nurse tried to calm me down and I said, "if it were good news a nurse could tell me." And I hung up.
At 6PM the doctor finally called. Stacy I'm shocked by these results but your HcG levels are through the roof and you're progesterone is 14. I'm beginning to think that those first results may have been a lab error.
We talked for a good ten minutes, me discussing my theories with her and trying to find out if this pregnancy was going to make a go. She told me to call the office and schedule a sonogram for the first available date (I think that Thursday).
At the sonogram I was shaking I was so nervous. We had G with us. Lewis had been cautiously silent through this whole process. When she found a heartbeat, at 5w and 5d, I sobbed. She didn't understand why I was so upset. She went and told the doctor I should have another sonogram next week.
They brought me in a week later, just for my piece of mind. They also did more blood work and my progesterone levels weren't rising so they put me on hormones for a month. They made me crazy and gave me really bad morning sickness.
After a month they did blood work again and everything looked fine. No more drugs. Nothing else about the pregnancy was remotely abnormal. Chalupa passed every measurement and every screening. And he was born perfectly healthy and he's been a model baby.
I worried the whole time. And I couldn't remember why. But it was because of how it started. And I just didn't get comfortable.
And up until recently I had forgotten all of that. Which is for the best.
And another friend, newly pregnant herself, was worried about her levels but then decided she'd stop worrying and forget about it. I can't and could never do that. And I was wondering, why did I worry so much with Chalupa? I worried from positive result right up until his birth. I was leaning forward trying to see him, gasping after that final push and asking if he was okay. I couldn't hear him ... was he okay?
Then he screamed, gurgled really, and then screamed a blood curling, heart reassuring scream. Ten fingers ten toes. Perfect vitals. Healthy as a horse. It was the first time I really breathed in 9 months.
After my miscarriage I got pregnant right away (obviously). I knew right away. We were on vacation in Colorado and I just knew. I got home and tested and yup. Positive.
I called the doctor. I went in the next day. Blood tests, lots of them. Five vials of blood.
That was a Friday? She had said the results would take 3-4 days. Thursday they called me. The first thing she asked was if I was doing okay. Was there any spotting? I knew then. I shakily said no.
I'm sorry. You're blood work is indicating it's not a viable pregnancy.
I was cooking dinner. G was in his chair. I was crying and wanted off the phone. I didn't ask any questions. I would think of a million in the five minutes after I hung up with the doctor. Things that if I had asked, and had discussed might have calmed me down.
I called Lewis, who was out at a customer fucntion. He couldn't leave just yet. I called my mom. Somewhere in those fifteen minutes I decided the doctor was wrong. I remember thinking quite clearly, she was wrong. There is no way I have to go through this twice in 45 days. No way. That is not God's will. I just knew in my bones she was wrong.
Not that that calmed me down any.
Since I hadn't miscarried yet, she had me come back in for blood work the next day. Another Friday. I went into the office morose. I didn't talk to anyone. The nurses, who didn't have me or my chart memorized, didn't understand. I had to cancel, again, my sonogram appointment.
Which, I just said, "I need to cancel my appointments for next week." And the receptionist, a very, very nice woman, kept asking, "what were these appointments for?" I started crying, again, and shook my head, "just cancel all my appointments." She pulls up my name and said, out loud, to a full waiting room, "looks like you had a sonogram and your 12w appointment? You sure you need to cancel?" Full on crying now. "Yes." The reality finally hits her. And then I turned and left.
I had that same conversation with her on the phone the first time. I wish she would have learned. That was pretty traumatic in itself.
I had to wait till Monday for my results. But Monday I called and they didn't have them. Tuesday I called again. The doctor would call me. I started sobbing on the phone. The nurse tried to calm me down and I said, "if it were good news a nurse could tell me." And I hung up.
At 6PM the doctor finally called. Stacy I'm shocked by these results but your HcG levels are through the roof and you're progesterone is 14. I'm beginning to think that those first results may have been a lab error.
We talked for a good ten minutes, me discussing my theories with her and trying to find out if this pregnancy was going to make a go. She told me to call the office and schedule a sonogram for the first available date (I think that Thursday).
At the sonogram I was shaking I was so nervous. We had G with us. Lewis had been cautiously silent through this whole process. When she found a heartbeat, at 5w and 5d, I sobbed. She didn't understand why I was so upset. She went and told the doctor I should have another sonogram next week.
They brought me in a week later, just for my piece of mind. They also did more blood work and my progesterone levels weren't rising so they put me on hormones for a month. They made me crazy and gave me really bad morning sickness.
After a month they did blood work again and everything looked fine. No more drugs. Nothing else about the pregnancy was remotely abnormal. Chalupa passed every measurement and every screening. And he was born perfectly healthy and he's been a model baby.
I worried the whole time. And I couldn't remember why. But it was because of how it started. And I just didn't get comfortable.
And up until recently I had forgotten all of that. Which is for the best.
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