Struggle
I struggle with my decisions as regards G and his EE. I really do. I go back and forth like 80 times a day.
He seems fine. Lets take him off the drugs. But what if he stops eating again? He won't grow. Lets keep him on. What if I stop feeding him peanut butter? Maybe we should do allergy testing again? I know we've tested, it's all negative. What's causing this? Maybe I should take him to a special clinic? Do I really want to disrupt his life so much? This is very manageable. The drugs are low dose. I could probably talk about lowering the dose. Maybe I should call the specialist again. Maybe I should research. NO. Stay AWAY from the internet. Maybe I should get a third opinion? It'd really be a fourth. How many opinions do I have to have that say the same thing before I believe it? I sort of understand why doctors think getting a second opinion is just looking for an opinion that agrees with your own opinion. We'll keep him on until after his 3 year appointment. Then we can reevaluate. I can't let him go to his 3 year appointment weighing the same as he did at 2. They'll arrest me. I feel like crying. Why do I have to deal with this? Other kids eat. No one really understands how hard this is. I hate when people say my son is small. I hate it. I want to scratch their face off. What if the drugs stunt his growth? What if this is the wrong course? Maybe I should take him off the drugs? Am I only doing the drugs because it's easier? I tried eliminating things. It didn't stop anything. It's hard to eliminate wheat. We didn't really try that. Maybe it is Celiac? He'd have other symptoms. Right? Right?!?
That's just part of my rambling thoughts as I watch my son doing anything. At any given time it is a safe bet that I'm looking at his skinny arms and wondering if we need to do more arm exorcise or if he needs more calories. If you see me in the grocery store looking at the packaging, it's a fair bet I'm not looking at how many saturated fats there are, but how few.
His weight and what he eats takes up huge - HUGE - chunks of my thoughts every day. The drugs take up even more. But it's all twisted up together. His good friend at school was just diagnosed with a peanut allergy. He throws up like G does. But because he's gained weight and he's not so thin, they didn't investigate. They didn't have to. I didn't tell her, I told her in fact they probably don't have the same thing.
But in my heart I know he does.
I go through everything the specialist has told me. Everything the pediatrician said. Everything they've said to reassure me that this is the proper course.
And then I think ... but they are doctors and doctors push medicine. What if there's a better way? What if I'm missing it? Should I follow the advice I got and take him to an acupuncturist? Should I find an all natural doctor?
It's been two years of guessing and not eating and vomiting and losing weight and struggle struggle struggle. We need some solid months of weight gain and growth. He won't grow at all if he doesn't eat. That's how I ended up back on the drugs full time. Those thoughts right there. I can't keep looking for him to grow out of it or for a natural fix (acid reflux diet, no dairy, etc) when his growth is so, so slowed because he's not eating and throwing up.
Since we saw the doc in January and go back on meds ... he's gained 4lbs. The months before that? Nothing. April to January he weighed 22-23lbs. I kid you not. He is now 26.5lbs. You can't argue with the results.
Which is probably why the doctors recommend the course we're on.
I struggle so much with this. I hate that I have to make this decision.
But I'm eternally grateful that this is the biggest problem I face. I know children with *real* issues who are on *real* scary drugs with *real* side effects. Or who have to carry epi pens because if they even breathe in particles of things they are allergic too they might die.
But if you see me, and you hear me talk about this ... if I look at you with one of my famous (infamous?) glares it's probably because I have thought about whatever it is you are suggestion 500 times a day, a gazillion times a week.
And then I worry about Chalupa. And then it all starts all over again.
He seems fine. Lets take him off the drugs. But what if he stops eating again? He won't grow. Lets keep him on. What if I stop feeding him peanut butter? Maybe we should do allergy testing again? I know we've tested, it's all negative. What's causing this? Maybe I should take him to a special clinic? Do I really want to disrupt his life so much? This is very manageable. The drugs are low dose. I could probably talk about lowering the dose. Maybe I should call the specialist again. Maybe I should research. NO. Stay AWAY from the internet. Maybe I should get a third opinion? It'd really be a fourth. How many opinions do I have to have that say the same thing before I believe it? I sort of understand why doctors think getting a second opinion is just looking for an opinion that agrees with your own opinion. We'll keep him on until after his 3 year appointment. Then we can reevaluate. I can't let him go to his 3 year appointment weighing the same as he did at 2. They'll arrest me. I feel like crying. Why do I have to deal with this? Other kids eat. No one really understands how hard this is. I hate when people say my son is small. I hate it. I want to scratch their face off. What if the drugs stunt his growth? What if this is the wrong course? Maybe I should take him off the drugs? Am I only doing the drugs because it's easier? I tried eliminating things. It didn't stop anything. It's hard to eliminate wheat. We didn't really try that. Maybe it is Celiac? He'd have other symptoms. Right? Right?!?
That's just part of my rambling thoughts as I watch my son doing anything. At any given time it is a safe bet that I'm looking at his skinny arms and wondering if we need to do more arm exorcise or if he needs more calories. If you see me in the grocery store looking at the packaging, it's a fair bet I'm not looking at how many saturated fats there are, but how few.
His weight and what he eats takes up huge - HUGE - chunks of my thoughts every day. The drugs take up even more. But it's all twisted up together. His good friend at school was just diagnosed with a peanut allergy. He throws up like G does. But because he's gained weight and he's not so thin, they didn't investigate. They didn't have to. I didn't tell her, I told her in fact they probably don't have the same thing.
But in my heart I know he does.
I go through everything the specialist has told me. Everything the pediatrician said. Everything they've said to reassure me that this is the proper course.
And then I think ... but they are doctors and doctors push medicine. What if there's a better way? What if I'm missing it? Should I follow the advice I got and take him to an acupuncturist? Should I find an all natural doctor?
It's been two years of guessing and not eating and vomiting and losing weight and struggle struggle struggle. We need some solid months of weight gain and growth. He won't grow at all if he doesn't eat. That's how I ended up back on the drugs full time. Those thoughts right there. I can't keep looking for him to grow out of it or for a natural fix (acid reflux diet, no dairy, etc) when his growth is so, so slowed because he's not eating and throwing up.
Since we saw the doc in January and go back on meds ... he's gained 4lbs. The months before that? Nothing. April to January he weighed 22-23lbs. I kid you not. He is now 26.5lbs. You can't argue with the results.
Which is probably why the doctors recommend the course we're on.
I struggle so much with this. I hate that I have to make this decision.
But I'm eternally grateful that this is the biggest problem I face. I know children with *real* issues who are on *real* scary drugs with *real* side effects. Or who have to carry epi pens because if they even breathe in particles of things they are allergic too they might die.
But if you see me, and you hear me talk about this ... if I look at you with one of my famous (infamous?) glares it's probably because I have thought about whatever it is you are suggestion 500 times a day, a gazillion times a week.
And then I worry about Chalupa. And then it all starts all over again.
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