So You're Not Working at all now?
I went to one of those buy things from my friend parties last night. It was pleasant, I enjoyed visiting with my friends and the presentation of goodies was nice enough. The hostess (my good friend) made dinner, had drinks and desert so that was worth the price of admission right there! Home cooked food I didn't have to cook! Woot!
When the presentations over and we've all looked through the catalogue and folks are milling around, I had to start my way home. So I started my goodbyes which seemed to take a long time. One of the women, whom I've known since college, asked, "So you're not working at all now?"
She didn't mean anything by it. Well, what she meant to say was: "so you stay home full time?" That was all she meant, she didn't know that's a loaded question. Because I work MORE now than I ever did before. But then another woman said, "yeah her and her husband had a deal." To which I nodded, because it's true. And then yet another woman said, "I stayed home for a while, and then that fell apart."
She got a divorce shortly after her daughter (now 9 I think) was born. I had no idea what to say to that (no one in the room did I dont think) so after another beat of awkward silence in which people are looking at me like, "yeah, what if he leaves you?" I said, "it's a risk. But he's only little for so long, and I can always go back to work if I have to."
When I was on maternity leave and we were batting around whether or not I would stay home, an extended family memeber cautioned me against staying home, against depending on my husbands income so much. I did the awkward laugh, smile, yes you are right, it's a risk, what a hardship that would be, you have to protect yourself, blah blah blah blah. Really in my head I'm thinking - with all due respect ma'am, this is none of your business.
If I'm planning my marriage around a divorce, what chance does it have? And really, in this scenario, my husband is at risk too, because as a full time mom he's at risk for alimony, and losing custody of his kid(s) due to his job situation. I would say really, the risk is greater for men.
But I guess this idea that I protect myself from divorce is just not new, and I've been hearing it ever since we started out. You're following him to Boston? You're not engaged yet? Are you protected? What if he leaves you? Don't cancel your account, you may need it later. Keep some money for yourself. You're staying home? You're completely dependent on him? How will you protect yourself?
The short answer is, I'm protecting myself by striving to always work on my marriage. That's not fool proof, and it's not an exact science, but neither is separate accounts or keeping a job I hate and sacrificing my child's first years just because I was scared of financial dependence. And if I'm being honest that is a very hard thing to get used to. I don't contribute financially to the household; what am I worth? We place value on people by how much they earn, by what they contribute. The general population hold very little esteem for those that "only" stay home with children.
But I am lucky. My husband says that most people would agree that one parent staying home with the kids is the ideal way to do things, but it's just not possible in all situations. And the most well adapted kids are the ones who's parents have found creative solutions to their childcare needs. Mine isn't so creative; it's old school. But it's working. And I'm so very, very, very blessed. I'm doing what I always wanted to do. I just wish it didn't feel like an outdated, outmoted idea to folks when I said it.
When the presentations over and we've all looked through the catalogue and folks are milling around, I had to start my way home. So I started my goodbyes which seemed to take a long time. One of the women, whom I've known since college, asked, "So you're not working at all now?"
She didn't mean anything by it. Well, what she meant to say was: "so you stay home full time?" That was all she meant, she didn't know that's a loaded question. Because I work MORE now than I ever did before. But then another woman said, "yeah her and her husband had a deal." To which I nodded, because it's true. And then yet another woman said, "I stayed home for a while, and then that fell apart."
She got a divorce shortly after her daughter (now 9 I think) was born. I had no idea what to say to that (no one in the room did I dont think) so after another beat of awkward silence in which people are looking at me like, "yeah, what if he leaves you?" I said, "it's a risk. But he's only little for so long, and I can always go back to work if I have to."
When I was on maternity leave and we were batting around whether or not I would stay home, an extended family memeber cautioned me against staying home, against depending on my husbands income so much. I did the awkward laugh, smile, yes you are right, it's a risk, what a hardship that would be, you have to protect yourself, blah blah blah blah. Really in my head I'm thinking - with all due respect ma'am, this is none of your business.
If I'm planning my marriage around a divorce, what chance does it have? And really, in this scenario, my husband is at risk too, because as a full time mom he's at risk for alimony, and losing custody of his kid(s) due to his job situation. I would say really, the risk is greater for men.
But I guess this idea that I protect myself from divorce is just not new, and I've been hearing it ever since we started out. You're following him to Boston? You're not engaged yet? Are you protected? What if he leaves you? Don't cancel your account, you may need it later. Keep some money for yourself. You're staying home? You're completely dependent on him? How will you protect yourself?
The short answer is, I'm protecting myself by striving to always work on my marriage. That's not fool proof, and it's not an exact science, but neither is separate accounts or keeping a job I hate and sacrificing my child's first years just because I was scared of financial dependence. And if I'm being honest that is a very hard thing to get used to. I don't contribute financially to the household; what am I worth? We place value on people by how much they earn, by what they contribute. The general population hold very little esteem for those that "only" stay home with children.
But I am lucky. My husband says that most people would agree that one parent staying home with the kids is the ideal way to do things, but it's just not possible in all situations. And the most well adapted kids are the ones who's parents have found creative solutions to their childcare needs. Mine isn't so creative; it's old school. But it's working. And I'm so very, very, very blessed. I'm doing what I always wanted to do. I just wish it didn't feel like an outdated, outmoted idea to folks when I said it.
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