Changes

Things I love...

• Grady, Grady, Grady.  He has the best cheeks for kisses and snuggles.  And he is very snuggly.
• Lewis with Grady.  I especially like this.
• Grady with anyone.
• Feeding Grady.
• Burping Grady.  He makes the funniest face after he's done.  It doesn't happen every time, but when it does it's so cute.  His lips are all pursed together and he just looks at me like - yes, I feel better.  I always have my camera phone with me when this happens - but I miss it.
• Not being 30+ pounds heavier anymore.  I've lost 20 pounds, 12 of them just by giving birth.  The other 8 are from not having time to eat and nursing, I guess.  I have a feeling this will fluctuate though, so I'm not celebrating too early.
• My body doesn't hurt any more.  This is related to the one above, but honestly there at the end, I was in so much pain from him pushing down on my pelvic bone that it often seemed unliveable.  And I'd had that pain since the 7 month!  It was AMAZING how that just instantly went away when he came out.  And the back pain - poof!  Gone.  I also wonder if the reason he didn't "drop" like many people expected him to was because he had his hand up around his head.  A position he still favors.

Things I don't love...

• Losing all of that prescious sleep.  This will seem like a small sacrifice looking back.  But right now, in the trenches, I do not love the fatigue, the crankiness.
• I still can't wear my wedding rings.  My fingers are still swollen.  I'm going to seriously cry if that situation does not resolve itself by the time my postpartum appointment gets around.
• The hormone swings.  My recovery has been easy breezy expect for the hormone swings.  Knowing myself, and knowing how moody I am anyway, I should have prepared or at least expected this.  I did not.  It has improved.  Today and yesterday were good days.  Now, Lewis worked from home most of Friday and he was home today.  So we'll see if I can maintain the good day on Monday when I am alone again.  I am codependent lately.  Having him around is calming.
• Feeling trapped.  This is a wierd one.  I'm scared to take the baby places, as I'm just not sure how to do it.  I'm doing it anyway.  Like this morning we all went for breakfast at this cafe we like, and the baby was perfect (naturally).  But I've only had one successful outing by myself.  Next week we'll add to that number.
• Going off the one above - I have guilt for missing my old life.  I tried very hard to get pregnant, was so happy and relieved when we did become pregnant, that I really thought that when my child made his apperance in this world, it would be all rainbows and hugs and kisses and happiness.  There is that, but mostly at this stage it's a lot of work.  And learning on my part.  My biggest return has been his healthy weight gain and his ability to thrive.  The doctor said on Thursday that he had great neck control and would be rolling over by 6 weeks.  He was very impressed with his growth over all.  This is vindication for me, and a testiment to my good works.  At least, that's how I'm choosing to take it.
• When Grady cries.  This is somewhat ridiculous, as babies cry.  But it's hard to listen to, and frustrating when I don't know what he wants and can't calm him down.  I'm learning, and I'm getting better.  For instance, I'm trying to keep him awake during the day when he's up (I don't force him to stay awake or anything - but when he's up I try and engage with him and keep him up for a while) and set up a pattern for sleep at night.  So tonight, we took him for a walk, gave him a bath, and then I fed him and laid him down to sleep.  Thirty minutes later he is still asleep, so I feel pretty good about myself.  We'll see how tonight goes, if he will sleep after he eats.  But I've gotten a pattern down for that too, that's taking advantage of the "milk drunk" phenomenon and soothing him back to sleep.  This may cause me troubles later on, but for now, it's working.  I'll pay for it later if I must.
• Another thing - being the only parent that can feed him is isolating.  I spend so much time with Grady and I feel like Lewis doesn't.  This is not his fault.  He can't feed him.  I try not to complain, but it is hard.  Who would have guessed it!  Parenting is hard!  :)

Mostly I'm adjusting to being a mom, and trying to relate to my husband still as a wife and partner, but also as a parent.  That's an adjustment we're both going through.

I know most of this you don't care about.  And I may get in the habit of post dating these so that they don't jump to the top of the page.  Then, those that want to see what's up in the land of Grady, can click the "bellsforbaby" tags and read everything that I post.

Mostly, I'm writing this and things like it so that I can look back and see where I've been and how far I've come.  Or see what I've learned since then.  And, I believe exporting these thoughts, as it were, is healthy.  So try not to use them against me!