It is rude to talk about money

BlogHer disagrees.

For one - talking about money is rude. In social settings. There is a time and a place for all conversations. It is not rude to talk to my husband about money. It is not rude to ask those in my family for financial advice on loans / homes / etc. It is not rude to talk to my boss about a raise. It is rude to sit around a barbeque and talk about 401ks and stock options. Believe me, it's rude.

The author raises an interesting point in the differences between men and women. First, it's as if she wants women who aren't as assertive about the money conversation to feel shamed by the fact that men are more assertive in that regard.

Anecdotal evidence being what it is, accept this with a grain. But here:

Last weekend I was in the car with my husband and our friend driving to a wedding. They work at the same company and were discussing our friends recent conversation with his superiors. He wants more money. Husband and he go back and forth and at one point he says, "I want what you would pay a new hire. That's all. I need to be able to look at **** and know that we are making the same amount."

To my brain, this was a revelation. In my husband's line of work (or at his company) it's a boy's club. Worse than that, it's a locker room. The conversation of money is paramount. Age comes up frequently, "I want to make this much at this age." And often times, the company concedes that point.

Myself, I don't really equate my age with a need to make more money (this might be because my husband is the primary bread winner, and therefore I don't really have to worry about it). But men do. Or at least, the men I know do. Another friend last year said that he was going to leave his company if they didn't agree to pay him 10% more. He said he was "28 years old, it's time to make XX amount." Again, my head spins. This is not something I think about.

As I've pointed out, I'm not the primary bread winner, so raises and job advancement do not have to be on my radar. I'm content with my support role and it's increasing challenges and experiences, but I don't need to beg for a raise. In fact, my modesty (timidity?) often leads me the other way. Am I really earning what I'm being paid? Do I really deserve a raise? The answer to that question is not always yes.

For my husband, who works tirelessly and has a very stressful job, the answer to that is almost always yes.

I have another anecdote. At the wedding, the boys kept going on and on about how good they looked in their suits. I look good. I should always wear suits. What girl wouldn't want to dance with me when I look this good? I shook my head at their bravado and commented, "Why don't women have the confidence of men?" My friend look at me and said, "It's because you're all physcotic."

He's right. No one there said a mean word about my dress. Some said you look nice. But for the most part, my confidence in my appearance was just no where near what the boys were. And it's no fault of thiers. No one walked up to them and said "Wow! You look amazing!" They looked in the mirror and saw it for themselves.

I can't do that. Even on my wedding day ... "Does this look alright?" And I know the boys (husband included) took one half glance in the mirror and said "Yao-Za! I look amazing!"

I think the money - raise thing is a similar issue. They have an unending level of confidence. They know what they are worth, and they know they can get it. If not from this organization, another organization. Myself, I'm not likely to make such a statement, because my confidence just isn't there. I know my strengths, to a certain degree, but a large part of my self-worth (I can hear my friend the therapist yelling at me now) comes from what others think of me. Does my husband value me? Than I am valued. Do my parents love me? Than I am loved. Do my friends like to hang out with me? Than I have friends. Did my boss say "good job?" Than I did a good job.

Men don't have that. At least, not the men I know. They inherently know they are worthy, awesome, and envied.

But I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with me. I have a healthy level of understanding of my own confidence issues. I can talk about them, recognize them, and compensate. I also know that I have choosen a mate who is strong in areas that I am weak. Confidence being one of those areas. I can go home and talk of my evaluations, he can give me his opinion, and I can act on his advice. Or not.

But the stock market reference in the Blog Her story is interesting. Because I am that wife. I am the one who would sell when the price when up, and not want to buy anything more. That's my risk style. Not all wives are that way so the generalization really shouldn't be made.

But again, why do we have to make women more like men? I don't want to be more like men. I want to be like me, and talk about the strengths that I have that men don't have. I am infinitely more empathetic and understanding than many of the men in my acquaintance. The list is long of good qualities that I - and other women like me - do possess. I just wonder why so many professed "women blogs" and magazines focus on things that women need to change in order to become something that maybe we all don't need or want to be.